Days turn into months. Months turn into years.
I sit here on my bed in the dark with a reading lamp on. I cuddle up underneath my duvet to warm myself from the cold atmosphere. I sit here contemplating about my life. Where is it going? What am I doing? What do I want to do?
I have my TV turned on to keep me entertained and happy. What am I watching? Nothing that will excite you. It’s just on to keep me company. I stare at all of my artwork I have printed and stuck on my bedroom walls. Some strewn across my art desk and stacked in drawers. Work that I have created over the years and hasn’t gotten anywhere thus far. I work at a job that is to help others, then I come home and do my own things and repeat. It’s not getting me anywhere. I have dreams that I’d like to fulfil much like most creatives. Why am I still here? I had the dream of living large as a renowned talented artist… but I guess I am mostly to blame.
I wasn’t the brightest kid in school. I wasn’t the most popular either. But I was creatively talented. Everyone was amazed at my drawing skills. I was unique in a sense that I didn’t envy others, I just did me and left it as that. It wasn’t until GSCEs that came the moment of choosing. Although I was still young I hadn’t quite decided on what I wanted to do. I wanted to get involved in everything creative. Become the ultimate innovative machine; produce music, draw, direct films, and video games…
I lost focus. Sort of…
I left school with terrible grades and couldn’t get into a good, let alone, a decent college. I still hadn’t decided on a career choice. Do I awnt to become a music producer working with established artists or creating good music? Do I want to be a film producer, film director or script writer creating films? Do I want to be an artist or painter? Do I want to be a novlist? There were so many creative things to choose from. Eventually I enrolled to do music and media production. Unfortunately I wasn’t good enough for music—Not that they told me but I felt as though I had failed to impress them. I never heard if I had got in or not. So I was left with only one course, media production. I was happy. I was confident that I was going to pass this course with flying colours. My tutor saw that I had potential and so did my fellow peers. I was the “go-to” person just like in school. The first year of the course was fun. We had a fun tutor, although I had my suspicions that he was kind of backstabbed by others in his department… I’ll leave it as that.
It wasn’t until the second year of the course that things went south for me. The course wasn’t as expected. It was just essay after essay, writing after writing. Not what I expected for a media course that I assume would be more practical than theory. But apparently the course was more academic and higher levelled. I hated writing but, I was a high achieving student who had it going. But… it got to the point that I gave up and dropped out. Yes I dropped out. Looking back now I realise that’s biggest mistake of my life.
What if I hadn’t dropped out? What if I got my qualification and went on to university? I’d most likely be a different person. Probably I wouldn’t have the same skills that I have acquired now. I probably would be a much more intellectual person. Living a better life and having better job.
All because of one regretful decision all my plans and dreams are now stalled. And now I’m fighting my way to a life I dreamt of living.
I consider myself talented but shy, unique but reserved. Yes I am shy but I have skills that I’m willing to showcase. But I don’t have the right outlets to get the exposure that I deserve.
What is my life? Observing the world around me as I sit in the shadows of my own shyness.
Getting old and decaying away in silence.
I’ve got much work to do.
I am Alison Kendison.