Nadite (April) 24th 1995
Not much happened today. I went to the library and read a book about the history of Imperia. So far… it’s interesting. Nonetheless it made me think about the lifestyle and the laws back in pre medieval Imperia; the brutal punishments for petty crimes were just inhumane. People were put to death for simply stealing an apple? It makes me think if the Empress Alexis and the other rulers were really a good people in the way they perceive them to be. Perhaps I’ll find out the more I read on. I am just grateful that I am living in a time where there is (some) justice… justice that isn’t quite just.
Continuing from before…
The day I returned to school some of Camila’s friends looked troubled. They gathered near the greenery. I continued to walk through the school entrance avoiding contact with her friends as I would normally do. As I approach the entrance to the building I could hear someone calling my name. Without hesitation I turned around and it was Camila’s bestie Harley. She approached me with half a smile on her face. I greeted her as so did she. She never asked if I knew about Camila’s whereabouts but told me that she’s been trying to contact her over the weekend; the parents are worried and have started an investigation with the federal authourities. It may take them a long time to find any traces of the body or evidence that will lead to me and the others. She told me that Camila is missing as if I would be able to help them… I didn’t hang around with her not because I didn’t want to but because I simply was just an outcast to the entire school apparently. I was often a lone wolf, who got picked on most of the time. I couldn’t even befriend my own cousin, Janet. She just wanted to keep her distance from me, even though she was sometimes a victim of bullying.
Moving along, during the lesson the teacher, Mrs Ryan decided to take some time and talk about the disappearance of Camila and decided that to reassure us that she’s fine and that she’ll return home soon. Sounds very hypothetical because it’d been
three days four days since she went “missing”. The entire class was in mourning and there was a bad spirit in the air. No one was in a good mood for anything. At lunch time, once again I sat alone and ate silently. Across from me was Harley and crew and they all ate in silence. As I finished my lunch, so did they. We got up and headed for the cafeteria exit. I stood around for a bit trying to fit in without looking too awkward. Then I noticed Harley sitting alone on the bench. I approached her and sat down. She had streams of tears running down her cheeks as she bites on her finger nails. She (of course) looked very worried and scared. I tried to engage her in conversation but she refused. I tried reassuring her that people go missing and some do return. She emphasised on the word “some”. I asked her if she had any idea of where she could’ve gone to. She simply didn’t reply — she barely made eye contact. After a few minutes of silence she got up and walked away. The rest of the day was so awkward that I found it difficult to concentrate in class. Our teacher tried to comfort the class and give us hope that she’ll return from wherever she may be. Harley broke down in tears and so did her friends. It was like a chain reaction because I was about to cry. Why? Because I murdered the her without knowing anything about her negativity towards me. Maybe she didn’t deserve it. I could’ve just spoken to her like a mature adult but instead I allowed my anger take control of me. I’ll be honest, she wasn’t as bad as I made her out to be. She did try to have civil and meaningful conversations with me. But the hatred that had stirred up within me couldn’t be tamed. I found it difficult to forgive her. I wonder if she’ll ever forgive me in the afterlife or if she’ll torment me worse than I did to her.
I couldn’t hold back the tears so I got up and left the classroom. Mrs Ryan followed after me and asked if I was alright. I didn’t want to say much so I told her that I needed a moment. As soon as she went back into the classroom I made a hasty retreat to the girls restroom. I locked myself in one of the stalls and silently cried. There were a lot of disturbing imagery on my mind. I asked myself so many frightening questions… I felt as though I was going crazy. The voices came back louder than before — more than I could bear. I stepped out of the bathroom stall and looked at myself in the mirror. The voices got louder. I began to hallucinate. The environment around me warped and distorted. My reflection in the mirror was no longer me but was that shadowy figure from before. I screamed out loud and smashed the mirror. Harley entered the restroom and was in shock. Something in me had the urge to write her off but I held myself back. I gave in and told her the truth.
She broke down in tears and asked why. I was too shook up to respond but instead I foolishly tried to hug her. She refused and warned me to stay away.
The rest of the day didn’t go well for me…. I didn’t expect it to.
I’ve got more to share but I’m quite tired right now.
Your only daughter,