April 22nd 1995
I had my ‘lecture’ today which was absolutely boring and a little innate. I can’t remember the majority of the lesson – it didn’t quite appeal to me. Maybe it’s because I just wanted to go back to my cell with Anastasia. She’s a lot more interesteing than this. At some point during the lesson they gave us the option to share our stories of why we are in prison. I wasn’t ready to share my story with people I don’t know and couldn’t trust. Perhaps another day. I listened attentively to some of the stories that were being told and… these were a lot worse than than what I’ve done. The worst I heard was told by Jordan better known as Prisoner CA182. She revealed that she’s in for the murder of her two sons and daughter. She detailed her horrific act of brutallity. As she described the things she did made me cringe. Deep inside I was exasperated. I looked around the room and everyone else just listened without zeal. I coulnd’t tell if they really cared at all. But that doesn’t matter to me. She looked crazy. Her eyes were wide open and constantly darted around the room. Her stare made me feel uncomfortable and angry at the same time, as if she was ready to lunge at me with a fist of fury. One side of me thought why would anyone kill their own children? What… rogue spirit must you be possessed by to commit such an act? But then there’s me. Labelled a murderer. A killer. I’m no better than the people I sit in the midst of.
Continuing from where I left off yesterday…
Janet and I had a little quarrel about the cigarette. She threatened to tell uncle if I didn’t give her one and… so she did… well almost. I was both angry and irritated at her. Something in me just snapped. As she was walking towards the front door of the house I grabbed her by the arm and proceeded to diss and threaten her. She began to tear up and angrily marched to uncle, crying like the immature child that she is. At this point I was just furious and not the least scared at all. I had gotten used to uncle’s barbs at this point so I was ready to take a bullet. Uncle stared me down and slowly walked towards me. I stood my ground and looked at his angry eyes. I looked past him at Janet as she stood there with her arms folded and sticking her tongue out at me. Uncle asked, “Where did you get the cigarette from?” I couldn’t hide from this so I told him that I got it from a friend before I got home last night. He looked at me with suspicion and began to tell me how he knew I was just a bad influence to everyone else. He shouted at me for a good five minutes before auntie intervened. He threatened to permanently kick me out of the house. I thought to myself and accepted that I am a bad influence. It’s like he has high expectations for his family and I’ve come along to ruin it for them.
At that moment I walked away leaving the house. Auntie chased after me and pulled me aside. We walked around the front yard for a good thirty minutes having a serious conversation. I contributed very little as auntie did most of the talking. As she spoke I pondered on her words but all I was greeted with was the haunting image of Camila. At the time I was thinking whether I should tell them the truth now or let them find out later. I was still in a lose-lose situation. I couldn’t find a way around it. I didn’t want to continue lying to them. I wanted to keep a healthy relationship with them. They were all I had at the time… and now… I don’t really have anyone close by.
I stayed out in the garden just to get some fresh air, to clear my mind and to reflect on my life. No matter how hard I tried my conscience was still burdened with guilt. I just felt very uneasy that they’d find out sooner or later about what happened. Everyone would turn against me and see me as just a bad girl.
My conscience lightened up a bit throughout the week. However, going back to school… This is where things took a turn for the worst.
I’ll continue this tomorrow. I’m getting sleepy.
Your only daughter,